


The worst kind of pain is when you're smiling, just to stop the tears from falling.

by District_9



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Changkyun needs a hug, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Monsta x are assholes, No.mercy - Freeform, Self-Hatred, Worried Monsta x, but they change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 09:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14016945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/District_9/pseuds/District_9
Summary: The other trainees couldn't break Changkyun for he was already broken.





	1. I'm slowly giving up

Changkyun was broken, it was as simple as that.

The words the other trainees said to him didn't break him for he fell apart a while ago, they only helped in losing the pieces he needs to fix himself.

Changkyun truly believed that if he continued to reach out the other members will eventually take his hand.

But he only wondered if he would still be there for that moment for he was slowly giving up.


	2. Before a seccret is told, one can often feel the weight of it in the atmosphere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun and the manager were hiding a dark secret from Monsta x, the could feel it in the air, it's not like they were worried about Changkyun ....  
> They just didn't like being left in the dark!

Changkyun and the manager had a secret, the other members could see it. They didn't know what it was, it drove them insane.

It's not like they were worried for the maknae, of course not! That guy took #GUN's position, joined in the middle of the competition, he didn't go through what they went through, he was just riding on their coattails.

They would never worry about that guy (yet why whenever Changkyun looked like he was about to cry did they want to hug him tight and shield him from the world?)

They were just curious! That's it, they didn't like being left in the dark that's all there was to it.

* * *

Jooheon glared at the retreating back of the maknae. Thanks to him they had to redo the dance 10 times for one spot! (he failed to recognize the fact that most of the mistakes weren't made by Changkyun)

And now the maknae was just trailing behind their manager like a lost duckling.

Jooheon tsk'ed, recently those two had been acting weird and Jooheon would have demanded the truth if it wasn't for their manager being involved.

He just groaned before standing up and stretching, they were going to go home and if Changkyun wanted to stay behind then that's fine by him!

* * *

Hyungwon was glaring at Changkyun as well. The maknae infuriated him so much! His rapping wasn't as good as Jooheon's, his dancing lacked and even his looks were the worst of the bunch! (He ignored the fact that when he ranked them in looks, Changkyun was far from being on the last place)

He found it weird how the maknae and manager kept secrets but their manager knew what was best for them. ~~(he was definitely not clenching his fists at the thought of the maknae having a secret from them)~~

* * *

Minhyuk knew something was up. But he ignored it, whatever was bothering Changkyun wasn't his problem. The maknae should deal with it on his own! (But he as well ignored a fact. Namely that everyday he would make sure that all the members, that included changkyun, had enough water to get through the day ~~he certainly did not buy extra bottles for the maknae~~ )

Whatever was bothering the maknae was probably not even anything important. It's not like he cared about the youngest anyway ...

* * *

 

Wonho glared at the youngest one that was leaving the room. He didn't understand, what did he have that the other trainees didn't?

A great voice? As if! The looks? Don't make him laugh! Dancing skills? Pfff, great joke!

He didn't understand how he ended up being their maknae, and he never would understand, he's sure of that. He would never care for the younger, never ....

* * *

Shownu frowned, as the leader he felt responsible for his members, even Changkyun. But only because he was the leader!

He knew something was wrong, he wasn't as ignorant as the other members. He knew it had an enormous effect on Changkyun's performance and that the issue needed to be resolved immediately or else their performance would suffer because of it. While he absentmindedly packed Changkun's bag he mentally decided to investigate and solve the matter.

* * *

Kihyun, instead of glaring at the maknae's retreating figure observed his fellow members, he knew they were all secretly getting fond of the maknae but were all too stubborn to admit to that fact.

He noticed Shownu frowning and he immediately knew what he was thinking about and silently agreed. They needed to investigate this matter, and not only because of their performance but also for the maknae's health.

He realized just how bad they treated him when the changes in Changkyun began happening. So he decided that that must be the reason. The ignoring and bullying probably finally got to Changkyun.

He was planning on changing his attitude for he did not want to break the younger's soul. (but he did not realise it was too late for that because the younger had been broken a long time ago.)


	3. Pain is when you're slowly dying on the inside and you're way too weak to speak about it so you keep silznt and suffer, alone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need to talk,  
> but I don't know what to say. (How to tell them)  
> I need to cry,  
> but I don't know how to let the tears flow. (for I don't want to disturb anyone with my pain.)  
> I want to live,  
> but I don't know if I have the courage to face another day.

Changkyun was giving up, it was as simple as that. He was broken and he knew it. He would love to blame it on everything that has happened and how it wasn't his fault.

But who was he kidding? He deserved this, all of it. He didn't know how much longer he could go on, how much longer before he finally gave in and left this world.

He didnt deserve what he had, he didn't deserve the amazing members he had. Even though they didn't treat him well, he knew it was all he deserved, all he will ever be worth. When they treat him like dirt, he doesn't mind. It proves that he's still real, it hurts less than not being seen at all. You could call it a fear of being alone, he was just scared to be left alone with the voices in his head. So when his fellow members shove him, yell at him, ridicule him, ... he doesn't mind, he prefers it. He guessed that he was truly messed up up there for no one in their right mind would prefer being messed with over being alone. But he had never been normal had he?

When the members yell at him in practice and insult him, he gets a feeling of normalcy, this is normal or him, this is safe. But now that practice is over and he is once again alone with their manager, he feels nervous.

The members yell at him, insult him, shove him around, but the manager never does any of those things, and he's not used to.

The way the manager is nice, it scares him. The way he smiles at him instead of glares, makes him paranoid. How the manager gives him gentle shoulder pats instead of shoves when he's blocking the way one of his members wants to use makes him want turn around and leave because _he is not used to it._

But he doesn't, for they have made a deal. The manager wouldn't tell his members if Changkyun just did what the manager wanted him to, and if doing what the manager wants him to do ,even if it almost gives him panic attacks, means that he can keep his members in the dark, then he will.

And while leaving the practice room, he can feel his member's glares at the back of his head. And he'd rather turn around and face those than continue and face what he knows is to come. But he doesn't.

He will continue on to keep his members in the dark for he didn't want to disturb them with his pain.


	4. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. Shownu and Kihyun only realised this now, but they wouldn't ever be stupid enough again to forget.

Shownu and Kihyun had decided that the day after they would both come together and look at everything they gathered about Changkyun so far.

They had decided to leave the other members out of it for they could still see the bitterness in their eyes whenever they heard Changkyun's name or gazed at the maknae.

Kihyun had shared his idea of the maknae suffering under their bullying but Shownu had shared his doubts about that being the only reason.

"It all started a few weeks ago." Kihyun remembered, shownu silently nodded.

Kihyun continued the story of how he remember that their maknae hadn't been home all night and when he did return he looked _different_ somehow. Everyone was asleep at that moment but the signer had woken up for a glass of water. The rapper probably didn't notice his hyung.

He told Shownu about how the manager was with him and told him to wait in the living room while he went to retrieve something. How Changkyun had just nodded while staring at the floor.

Kihyun hadn't known what felt different, he had just thought that maybe it was Changkyun's hair. For earlier that day he had had brown hair but now it was white.

He didn't understand why Changkyun would be acting that weird though if that was the case. He knew Changkyun had always wanted to colour his hair white (he had heard the maknae say so on the phone to one of his friends).

"White? Doesn't Changkyunee still have brown hair?" Shownu interupted.

"I know what I saw, I was wide awake, I guess he changed it again but I can't imagine why. Anyway, the manager returned shortly after and they left again. I didn't think much of it but after that event Changkyunee began changing."

Shownu hummed in thought. They would get to the bottom of it.

"For know I think it's best to say that we should act nice to Changkyun so he may open up to us. You know, I feel guilty for acting that way to the maknae. I hope he can forgive us."

Yet, the first to find out was not them.


	5. I hate you, and then I love you. It's like I want to throw you off a cliff, then rush to the bottom to catch you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The opposite of love is not hate. It is fear. And Jooheon only now realised the fear he held for the pain inside him, so he transferred it into hate towards Changkyun. But not anymore, he was done hiding.

Jooheon didn't like Changkyun one bit.

Yet looking at him now, he couldn't help but gather him in his arms.

He frowned trying to remember how they ended up in this position, with Changkyun crying his eyes out after a panic attack and Jooheon hugging the maknae tight to him.

****

* * *

It had all started one evening when Jooheon couldn't sleep, he woke up to see Changkyun's bed empty.

He had wanted to just lay back down and ignore it but somehow, it didn't feel right to him.

He stood up and left his bed, in search of Changkyun.

He didn't find the younger anywhere and was actually getting kind of worried.

He didn't want to admit it but Changkyun was growing on him he regretted everything he said to the poor boy.

He regretted all the times he yelled "You don't deserve to be here" "You're a waste of space" "Are you incompetent?!" "you're so pathetic"

He regretted it so much.

He had been in pain thanks to his best friend not being chosen along side him. But pain is such a hurtfull feeling, it was easier to feel anger so he began hating on Changkyun. He began to blame the boy for something that wasn't in his power.

He knew it was wrong, oh god, he realized now how immature he had been. He couldn't handle his own pain so he decided to hurt another person.

And it was then that he truly realised what he had done. He realised that how much he must've been hurting the maknae. And oh god- what if they lost their maknae?

It was only now that he thought about it. Changkyun could just leave them, he did not have to stay for they didn't debut yet. He had appeared on the show NO.Mercy and lots of agencies were able to see the talent he possessed. He could just leave them and join another agency.

And the thought of not seeing the maknae's face every morning, not seeing his innocent puppy eyes gazing with admiration at all his hyung's, not being able to make up for everything he had done in the past.

The thought of losing their maknae felt unreal.

He couldn't, he _wouldn't_ let their maknae be hurt any longer, he'd protect him from harm, even if that meant going against the other members.

With the new foudn realisation, Jooheon went back to his search for their youngest member. He quickly decided that he must've left their dorm so the next best place to check would be the practice room.

* * *

When he arrived at their practice rooms he expected a lot of things, but what he didn't expect was to find their maknae huddled in a corner, breathing shallow, his hands tugging at his hair, a mantra of 'No's' leaving his mouth and tears streaming down his face.

Jooheon quickly ran towards the younger rapper and dropped on his knees before him.

"Changkyunee?! Can you hear me?!" He tried to grab the other's shoulder but the other slapped his hand away. It shocked Jooheon for Changkyun had never slapped any of their hands away not even when they kept annoying him.

"Get away! _Don't touch me!_ " the pure despair, panic and  _hurt_ in his voice felt like an ice cold bucket had been dumped over him.

What made the maknae have such a reaction?

"Calm down! Listen to my voice! Breath with me. I know you can do it, come on! Breath in ... and out .... in ... and out" slowly but surely Changkyun calmed down.

He stared at Jooheon, his eyes shining with tears before they flooded again and he was full on crying.

Quickly the older gathered him in his arms and let the younger cry into his chest.

'Ah, that's how we ended in this position'

After a while, the tears ceased and the only sounds left were that of a few little sniffles coming from the smaller one.

"I'm sorry" he mumbled after a while, looking anywhere but at the older rapper.

The older clenched his fists before pulling Changkyun back into his embrace.

"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I treated you like shit, you didn't deserve everything I yelled at you, gosh, I don't deserve to hold you like this. But I guess I've always been selfish, I hurt you as to relief the pain in my heart and now I'm hugging you to beg for you forgivness. I know that I can't be forgiven, but could you please accept my apology and maybe find it in your heart to one day forgive me."

Changkyun was speechless, he didn't know what to say, it felt like a dream. But if it truly was a dream, then he was going to make the best out of it.

"It's okay, I understand what you were thinking, I forgi-"

Jooheon tightened his arms around Changkyun.

"Don't- don't just say that you forgive me, what I did to you was unforgivable and I don't want you to forgive me, just, for now, accept my apology please. I do want your forgiveness but I need to work for it, so please, don't forgive me just yet."

Changkyun smiled a real smile for the first time in a while. He didn't care if this was a dream, the feeling of finally being accepted by one of his hyung's was one he wants to hold forever in his heart. He didn't want to wake up from this dream.

Jooheon gazed upon Changkyun's smiling face and couldn't believe that he hadn't tried to be nice to the younger boy before. His smile was adorable and he wished he could see it every day.

"You should smile more"

"huh?"

"You look cute when you smile, do it more. You know what? From now on I'll make sure you smile every day!"

Changkyun tried to fight down a blush, this was the first time one of his hyungs had given him a compliment, and he secretly really liked the feeling of receiving one.

"Now Changkyunee, could you tell me what has upset you this much?"

At the mention of what had set of his panic attack, Changkyun began trembling again.

"Calm down! please Changkyunee, breath. I'll call the manager" Jooheon quickly decided. Whatever it was, the manager knew about it so the best course of action was to warn said manager.


	6. When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was only too bad Changkyun was stuck in the second option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I kind of dislike this chapter a lot so I hope you won't stop after this chapter cause stuff is about to go down soon.

Ever since Jooheon had found Changkyun in that postition, everything he thought he knew, changed.

He began noticing things he never did before. Things like how whenever Changkyun would take a shower, he'd put the water at max temperature almost cooking himself. How whenever someone came close to Changkyun, the younger would flinch as if expecting them to hit him or something.

He began noticing a lot of things that didn't make sense to him, it left him even more eager to find out what the hell the secret was.

After he had called the manager, the man arrived within five minutes and had told him to leave the room, Jooheon did not know why and what was going on but it appeared as if everything was connected and the manager was a major point in it all, so he'd listened.

He had asked the manager what was going on, not daring to ask Changkyun, afraid the maknae would get another panick attack.

The manager had simply told him that it was nothing and that he should forget about it.

Needless to say, he didn't forget about it, in fact, he stuck to Changkyun's side ever since.

He noticed the stares the members were giving him once they saw him glued to their maknae's side, but he didn't care what they were thinking.

There was something wrong with the maknae and the rapper would be damned if he wouldn't try and help the younger.

* * *

Changkyun knew that what he was doing was destroying him, but everything already went to hell so he couldn't find it in himself to care.

He'd made sure the other members would never figure it out yet look at him now, wherever he went Jooheon would be following.

Changkyun didn't understand why the older was clinging to him now, was the only reason he seemed to care just because Changkyun had a panic attack?

If that was the case, then Changkyun did not want Jooheon's worry.

He didn't want the older boy's pity, he didn't need it.

He had other stuff to worry about, he had just broken a promise with their manager and now the older man was angry with him.

It wasn't like the anger was really annoying him, it was just that the manager was one of the only people he did not want angry with him.

The sound of his phone's alarm interrupted his thought process.

He hadn't closed an eye this night, but that was no surprise anymore, he had been unable to sleep for a few days resulting in him having to drink tons of coffee even though he didn't even really like the drink that much. It was way too bitter for his taste.

He could swear that instead of blood there was coffee running through his veins.

The maknae groaned in relieve when he was finally released.

Did he mention that every night Jooheon clung to him like a koala? Well, the older almost never left him alone, and with almost never, Changkyun really meant _almost never_ it was so bad that the rapper crawled into Changkyun's bed every night and wrapped himself around the maknae.

The youngest always wanted to push the older out of his bed or crawl out of Jooheon's arms and lay down on the couch but he was afraid those actions would wake his hyung and that that would somehow unleash Jooheon's anger upon him.

Luckily his alarm had gone of resulting in his hyung releasing him to stretch and the maknae being able to finally move his numb limbs.

While the older was distracted with stretching, Changkyun took the oportunity to escape the room and finally have some privacy and some peace and quiet for his mind, at least, as peaceful as it could get up there.

He stood in the bathroom holding onto the sink and staring at his own reflection, yet not seeing it.

His thoughts were somewhere else, namely with his hyungs.

As if Jooheon's change in attitude wasn't bad enough, he wasn't the only one.

Both Kihyun and Hyunwoo changed as well, the dorm "mother" had started taking care of Changkyun like he did with the other members, hell, even more than he did with the other members,. While Kihyun took care of his health and anything relating to it, Hyunwoo took care of him at practises, always helping if he didn't get a dance move down.

He knew that he should be glad, but it freightened him, he didn't know what had happened so that they suddenly changed their minds, but he wanted it gone, it wasn't normal. He wasn't used to it and god damn it, he never expected him to but he actually wished for them to start being mean again.

It wasn't that he didn't appreciate it, but unlike Jooheon, they only thought about only his physical wellbeing and not emotional state.

He wasn't ungrateful but while Jooheon made sure to hug him and shower him with compliments, Kihyun and Hyunwoo only took care of his bodily state.

And while he was uncomfortable with Jooheon's new attitude change, he felt unsafe with Kihyun and Hyunwoo's change.

Changkyun groaned and banged his head against the wall, all this thinking only ended in more confusion.

"Hey, are you almost done in there?! No matter how much time you spend in there your skin will stay as ugly as ever, acne-freak!"

Changkyun sighed in relief, at least Hyungwon, Minhyuk and Wonho still acted remotely normal.

"Sorry Hyung" Changkyun quickly apologised to Hyungwon before dashing for his room to grab the necessary things he needed for today's schedule.

"You okay, Kkukkungie?"

"Yeah, I'm fine"

"You sure? Hyungwon shouldn't have said that to you. If any of them are bothering you too much, you can always come to me. You can come to me for everything, no matter what, I'll lend you an ear."

"I told you, I'm fine, really"

While he was grateful for Jooheon, there was no way he'd let Jooheon in.

No matter what, he'd keep them all out.

It was his problem to handle.

And if it ended up destroying him, then so be it.


	7. Guilt is about something you do, shame is about who you are.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shownu hadn't known the difference between Guilt and Shame until now.

Shownu hadn't known what real shame was until now.

* * *

Before Shownu had been a trainee he had had a best friend. They did everything together until one day that friend's mother died and she changed.

Shownu hadn't known what was going on, until it was too late and everyday he regretted it.

He remembered one of the last days he saw his friend, they met at the local supermarket.

Everything looked the same, but it didn't feel the same. Shownu knew something was wrong but he didn't dwell on it _he should have, he really should have._

He still remembered her last words.

_Everyday when I look in the mirror I'm reminded of her. It's all my fault._

Shownu had replied with a simple: "It's not your fault, you don't need to feel guilty for her death."

_It isn't guilt, it's shame._

And with those words she had left.

Next message he got about her was the next day at 7 in the morning, a phone call from the hospital telling him she had passed away after an overdosis.

He hadn't understood what she had meant with 'It isn't guilt, it's shame'. He hadn't understood until now.

For guilt was about something you did. Shame was however about who you are.

The weeks leading up to his best friend's death he had shut his eyes and ignored the signs. He had vowed to never close his eyes from such things ever again. Yet now that he was looking at Changkyun like this, he couldn't help but shut his eyes for life was so much easier when you were oblivious.

 


End file.
